Can I Waive Spousal Support in Our California Prenuptial Agreement?
Couples who are willing to start off their marriage with a prenuptial agreement are not people who expect to be divorced someday. Often they’re not even thinking that a prenuptial agreement helps them plan for the worst. This may surprise you, but many couples see entering into a prenuptial agreement as a gesture of love—a separation of finances from affection—a way of saying, “I choose you for you, and not for any financial gain or advantage.”
At times, I have had couples come to me to create a prenuptial agreement with such open hearts and pure intentions that one or both parties have been eager to be generous as a gesture of pure intent. For example, the lesser-earning party may be willing to sign away the right to collect spousal support should the marriage end. I have seen this in situations where both parties earn a similar income and in situations where there is a great disparity in income and separate assets and property.
I typically try to dissuade couples from including language that eliminates or limits the obligation of spousal support. The reason for this is that we really never know how a court will rule with regard to this issue, no matter how carefully we craft the agreement. The California divorce of Peter and Debra Last is one that illustrates why most attorneys are very hesitant to include such language.
Instead of Spousal Support, They Agreed to Anniversary Payments
When Peter and Debra married in 2002, they entered into a prenuptial agreement wherein Debra completely waived her right to spousal support should the marriage end. The agreement included a deal that many of us would find interesting. The equity Peter had in his separate property was made community property immediately, and then there was a payment schedule of sorts. Peter agreed to give Debra specified amounts of money as her separate property: $16,000 within three days of the marriage; $3,500 at the ends of years 7, 8, 9, and 10; and $4,500 at the ends of years 11, 12, 13, 14, and 15...for a total of $52,500. Quite the wedding and anniversary gifts!
Debra Asked for Spousal Support Anyway
After 19 years of marriage, Debra filed for divorce and requested temporary spousal support, which she was granted. Even though Debra had waived her right to spousal support when they married, her attorney argued that the court should disregard that part of the prenuptial agreement because there was such a dramatic disparity in the parties’ incomes, then and now. California divorce courts strive to aid both parties in maintaining the status quo in terms of living conditions and standards until a divorce is final—and in this case, that meant ordering Peter to pay Debra $8,511 a month.
Peter Pushed Back
Not surprisingly, Peter fought back. After all, he had what he assumed was an ironclad legal document, and he had paid Debra on their anniversaries as they had agreed. His position was that—by default—their prenuptial agreement should be considered inherently valid and enforceable. But it’s not that simple. The law rarely is.
Peter’s attorney also argued that if Peter paid Debra $8,511 a month per the temporary order, and later the court determined Debra was not entitled to spousal support, it would be impossible for Peter to recover that money from Debra. The court determined that Debra would be able to repay Peter if she were required to, so the temporary order stood.
The Prenuptial Agreement Was Not Assumed to be Enforceable
To make a long and complex story short, the court drew upon several cases to determine that a prenuptial agreement should be considered unenforceable unless certain legal standards are met. The burden of proof was on Peter to show that the agreement was enforceable, not on Debra to show that it wasn’t. Every American knows that when it comes to being accused of a crime, you are innocent until proven guilty—not the other way around. The same basic idea applies to a prenuptial agreement that is challenged by one party: it may well be considered unenforceable until proven enforceable. A prenuptial agreement that waives spousal support will always receive more scrutiny and therefore there will be an increased likelihood that a court will decide it’s unenforceable.
As of this writing, the divorce between Peter and Debra Last has not yet been finalized, but the temporary spousal support order was held up in Debra’s favor.
The Bottom Line
You’re free to enter into a prenuptial agreement that waives or limits spousal support, but you can’t rely on that spousal support clause to hold up. The case of Peter and Debra Last is just one of several California divorce cases that really encourage attorneys not to include such a clause because we just never know what a judge will do. What I tell my clients is yes, you can agree to limit spousal support, but you can’t depend on that agreement to protect your future liability for support.
Again, no one gets married expecting to get divorced, and no one enters into a prenuptial agreement expecting to have to fight about it later. You may feel compelled to waive your right to spousal support as a sincere expression of your love and faith in your upcoming marriage, but think twice. I strongly recommend you hire an attorney who is very well versed in California divorce law and who can give you solid advice about how to craft the agreement.
And should you find yourself in the unfortunate position of getting divorced, please consider either hiring a divorce mediator or a collaborative divorce team to help you navigate the situation. If you have a prenuptial agreement, it may be challenged...and even if it isn’t, you’ll still need compassionate legal support as you end that chapter of your life.
Explore your no-court divorce options and the prenuptial process in Santa Rosa and Sonoma County and schedule a confidential consultation with divorce lawyer Jeanne Browne. With more than 30 years of experience helping couples divorce without court through mediation and collaborative practice, she will give you compassionate legal advice on your issues related to family law, divorce, and prenuptial/postnuptial agreements. Click here to schedule a meeting.
Please Note: Articles posted on this website are for general information purposes only and are not to be considered legal advice. Every situation is unique and we recommend you reach out for a private conversation about your specific circumstances and concerns by booking a consultation.
Who Gets the Cryptocurrency and NFTs in a California Divorce?
If you have questions about how cryptocurrency (sometimes called simply “crypto”) and NFTs (short for non-fungible tokens) are handled in a divorce in California, you’re not alone. These relatively new investment vehicles are increasing in popularity and that means it sometimes takes time for laws to catch up. But there are some basic principles that guide how courts decide on division of property, and those principles apply to digital assets like crypto and NFTs in the same way they apply to real property and tangible assets.
Cryptocurrency and NFTs Are Digital Assets
Cryptocurrency is digital or virtual currency that can be used to pay for goods and services and can even be invested. It is encrypted and decentralized using cryptography. You may have heard of Bitcoin and Ethereum, but there are thousands of other cryptocurrencies as well. Crypto is fungible, meaning each unit is exchangeable for another unit—just like one dollar bill is replaceable by and equal in value to another dollar bill.
NFTs are unique digital assets, often collectibles like artwork or music. Like cryptocurrency, NFTs are secured using blockchain technology, but each NFT is non-fungible, which means it is unique and not exchangeable with another NFT, just as one painting is not directly exchangeable with another painting.
There are other digital assets that you may not necessarily think of as having value, or at least not until you go through a divorce. Downloaded e-books, video games, music, movies, websites and domain names, online business, airline miles and gift cards—all of these are digital assets. Some can be duplicated so both parties get to keep a copy, while some must be split or awarded to one party in a divorce.
I recall a friend of mine telling me about the thousands of songs she and her husband had downloaded during their marriage. When they decided to separate, she asked him to copy all of them so she could take a copy of the extensive music library with her. Luckily, he did just as she asked, but sometimes things like this can actually become a sticking point during a divorce.
Community Property vs. Separate Property
In short, property and assets acquired during a marriage are community property. Property that is owned by one partner before the marriage is separate property. This principle applies to both tangible and digital assets. If you own a car and then you get married, that car is your separate property. If you own cryptocurrency or NFTs and then you get married, those assets are separate property. Everything that you and your spouse acquire during your marriage is community property, whether it’s a car, a house, Bitcoin, or NFTs.
Assessing Value of Digital Assets
Cryptocurrency is volatile and its value can change quickly and frequently. This can make valuation challenging—certainly more difficult than assessing the value of real estate and other real property. Bringing in a cryptocurrency expert is often necessary.
When only one person is investing in crypto and doing so on a small scale, the other partner may be willing to let them keep all of it, and that’s not just because it’s expensive to bring in an expert, but also because the volatility of crypto means the value can crash suddenly. One notable example you may have heard about is from May 2022 when cryptocurrency LUNA lost 98% of its value in just 5 days!
Can Cryptocurrency Be Used to Hide Assets?
Because cryptocurrency can be difficult to trace, some people may worry that a spouse is hiding assets in a digital crypto wallet...and some people may actually have the intention of hiding assets via crypto.
So does crypto make it easy to hide assets? Yes and no. In many cases, it’s not too difficult to figure out that money has been put into a “hot” wallet (like Coinbase” which is a crypto wallet connected to the internet. It can be a little tougher to work out where crypto assets are when they’re stored in a “cold” wallet which is a crypto wallet kept on a hard drive and not connected to the internet. However, there is a record of transfers into and out of hot wallets, so it’s not impossible to figure out—but it can be expensive. Again, this is where a forensic crypto expert will need to be consulted.
NOTE: The penalties for attempting to hide assets during a divorce are severe. Whether you are thinking of moving money to a bank in the Cayman Islands, transferring the deed to property to a third party, secretly stashing cash under your mattress, or attempting to conceal cryptocurrency in a cold wallet, any attempt to hide assets of any kind and not be completely forthcoming with your soon-to-be ex-spouse will result in serious consequences from the court.
Again, if you’re getting divorced and cryptocurrency or NFTs are something in dispute, my recommendations are that you (1) be prepared to pay for an expert to determine valuation AND (2) be willing to have a cooperative attitude in dividing assets, and the best way to do so is to work with a mediator or a Collaborative Divorce Team to you help you work through this and other difficult issues.
The Role of Prenuptial and Post-marital Agreements with Crypto and NFTs
The primary reason to work with your spouse to create a prenuptial or post-marital agreement is to document your mutual understanding of the ownership of assets. My experience is that when couples have the necessary conversations to lead to creation of an agreement, they don’t feel they’re planning to separate. On the contrary, they gain understanding of one another’s values and priorities, respect for the other person’s point of view, and peace of mind about their financial security.
When assets are acquired during a marriage, especially those of significant value or those that can dramatically increase or decrease in value, couples who update their prenuptial agreement or (if they don’t have a prenuptial agreement) create a post-marital agreement enjoy the same benefits—understanding, respect, and peace of mind. Post-marital agreements have additional requirements from Premarital agreements, so please schedule an attorney consultation before assuming that the same rules apply. Our office can help you sort these issues out with your spouse.
The time to discuss important issues in a marriage is always ASAP. Don’t let questions, concerns, or fears linger and fester. Money can be a touchy subject even within very happy marriages, and you might feel unsure how to broach the topic with your spouse. Turn to a mediator or Collaborative Team and let us facilitate difficult conversations and provide expert legal advice during the process, whether you are planning a wedding, are happily married, or contemplating separation or divorce. We’re here to help.
In the ideal world, this is a happy time of year, full of family, friends, food, fun, and festivities! But for those who have gone through a divorce, this season can be painful, especially if you have children. The first few Christmases after a divorce are often particularly difficult as you adjust to a new normal and mourn the loss of family gatherings and traditions that used to bring you joy.
But even though you might be dealing with feelings of loneliness, sadness, and even fear, try to remember that this can be a season of new beginnings and the road to future happiness.
Here are 10 tips and ideas to help you make the absolute best of the holiday season—for you, and for your kids.
1. Feel your feelings, but don’t completely surrender to them.
You’re going to feel a range of emotions, and it’s okay to feel all of them. Realize feelings will come in waves. Acknowledge that it’s normal to experience grief, resentment, stress, and countless other emotions. Don’t let them rule you though or you’ll miss out on all the good stuff. (There is still good stuff!)
2. Talk to your kids honestly…and really listen to them.
Plastering on a fake smile and pretending everything is perfect isn’t going to fool anyone, especially your children. If you’re feeling sad about the changes to life and the holidays rhythm, imagine how much more difficult and confusing it is for kids who had no say in whether their parents stayed together. Children of every age need help adjusting after divorce. Assure them that feelings of anger, sadness, and confusion are normal. Let them talk. Don’t judge. Ask them how they feel. Ask them for suggestions about what would make the holidays the most enjoyable. Listen and truly consider their point of view.
3. Assess which traditions to hold onto and make adjustments.
Some of your family traditions may be very important to you, perhaps because they’re rooted in your religious beliefs or because you’ve brought them from your childhood into adulthood and the family you created with your spouse. Somet traditions, however, may be more like habits and not particularly meaningful to you. It’s okay to make changes to your current traditions or even let some of them go completely to make room for new ones that make more sense for your new situation and family structure. Honor the traditions your children have with their other parent, even if you are no longer involved in them.
4. Don’t be afraid to make new traditions.
While it’s hard to let go of old traditions, this is actually a wonderful time to make new ones. Whether you’re on your own or you have children, think about new ways to make new memories that aren’t burdened with the echo of Christmases past when you were still married. What about passing out cookies to less fortunate people? Or bringing a care package to a struggling neighbor as a secret “caper” together? You may find you like some of your new traditions even better than the old ones! What are some things you’ve heard some people enjoy that you might like to try? This is the year to experiment with new options!
5. Accept invitations.
Resist the urge to isolate. You may not be in a celebratory mood, but say YES to invitations as often as you can so you can be in the company of people who love and support you. Even going out with people just for fun is a great way to shake off a funk! It might be awkward to attend someone else’s family functions, especially for Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, but you just might have a great time. And when you let someone do something nice for you, like invite you into their home for Christmas dinner, you allow them to experience the joy of giving. Accept graciously…and enjoy!
6. Reach out to others who might be feeling lonely.
Not sure who to spend Christmas with? Think about who you know who may also be feeling alone. You likely have friends who are single, divorced or widowed, who are estranged from their families, who have lost parents to illness, or who are new to the area. Invite them over and to share a favorite holiday meal or dessert or to do something festive like view holiday lights or go to a play or concert.
7. Put differences aside for a whole-family event if possible.
This may seem impossible, but have you talked to your ex-spouse about doing something together with the kids so they can experience having the whole family together, if only for a little while? Perhaps you can take one short outing or participate in one tradition that has been particularly fun or meaningful for all of you. Some families are successful in doing this, and if you can do it too, it’s worth the extra effort. Your children will thank you later. If possible, put hurt feelings away for a couple of hours and show your children that in spite of the divorce, you’re still family in the most important sense of the word.
8. Take time to treat yourself.
Counter the tough feelings by doing things that lift your spirits, especially if you’re spending the holidays alone. Get a massage, listen to your favorite music, take yourself to see the kind of movie your spouse didn’t enjoy, rearrange the furniture for a fresh look, buy yourself something you really want, have a meal you’ve been craving…be kind to yourself.
9. Exercise and eat mindfully.
Move your body. Take a walk. Go to the gym. Eat healthy food. Don’t completely overindulge with fattening meals and desserts and alcohol. Both alcohol as well as fatty and sugary foods have been shown to promote depression and anxiety after the initial high of consuming them has worn off. Exercise promotes endorphins and makes you feel good. So treat yourself a little, but remember that exercising and fueling your body with nutritious food are absolutely essential for maintaining good mental and emotional health, so make it a priority.
10. Remind yourself of the true reason for the season.
For all of us, Christmas is a time of giving generously and receiving graciously, and whether you are married or divorced, you can still experience all the season offers. If you are a believer, then Christmas has an even deeper meaning, and this is a time to celebrate and be grateful for the birth of our Savior. Whatever is happening or has happened with your marriage and your family, trust that today’s painful feelings will pass and that you will be okay as you trust God, the only one who truly understands all of you, and every part of your situation. Don’t let your current circumstances stop your celebration and acknowledgement of your Heavenly Father who loves you, and all the joy that comes with keeping your heart open.
A Compassionate Divorce Process Is a Good Starting Point
If you are preparing to go through the divorce process, I’d like to encourage you to consider mediation or a collaborative divorce. With both of these options, you and your partner have support in communicating and compromising as you come to resolutions about all the difficult issues that come with ending a marriage. Both processes allow you to work together to make decisions about what will be best for your children. In addition, a full collaborative divorce team even includes a person who speaks on behalf of the children, giving them a real voice. When you choose one of these no-court divorce processes, you and your partner will benefit from facilitated communication that often helps couples move past the bitterness sooner—sometimes enabling them to have holidays together, or at least leaving them to feel good about the arrangements they both agreed to about how to split time during these precious occasions.
Explore your no-court divorce options and the prenuptial process in Santa Rosa and Sonoma County and schedule a confidential consultation with divorce lawyer Jeanne Browne. With more than 30 years of experience helping couples divorce without court through mediation and collaborative practice, she will give you compassionate legal advice on your issues related to family law, divorce, and prenuptial/postnuptial agreements. Click here to schedule a meeting.
Please Note: Articles posted on this website are for general information purposes only and are not to be considered legal advice. Every situation is unique and we recommend you reach out for a private conversation about your specific circumstances and concerns by booking a consultation.
14 Inexpensive and Last-minute Ideas for Valentine's Day (or Anytime You Want to Show Your Spouse You Care)
Let’s talk about Valentine’s Day! Do you roll your eyes at this “Hallmark holiday” or do you see it as an opportunity to strengthen your relationship?
We learned in childhood that when it comes to giving gifts, it’s the thought that counts. Grand romantic gestures can be nice, but they aren’t necessary to keep you and your partner connected—and you might find that schedule and finances make those difficult anyway.
Little acts of kindness go a long way toward keeping a marriage strong. Even if you and your spouse are struggling—in fact, especially if you are struggling—putting in a little bit of effort to express affection and appreciation is a smart thing to do. And you don’t have to wait for a special occasion to do it.
So if you want to buy your sweetie a big box of chocolates or a bouquet of red roses on Valentine’s Day, go right ahead! But might I suggest thinking outside the proverbial heart-shaped box? With a little creativity and care, you can give a thoughtful, personalized gift that will mean the world to them.
(If you are separated, divorced, or struggling in your marriage, be sure to scroll down past the list for a special note from me that I hope you’ll find helpful.)
Here are 14 ideas for how to show your sweetie a little love this Valentine’s Day without breaking the bank...and some are easy to pull off in a pinch if you’re running short on time!
- Complete a chore, run an errand, or cross something off the honey-do list that you know would give your partner relief or make their life easier.
- Put together a basket of food and drink you know they’ll like and have a picnic. (It doesn’t have to be fancy, and it doesn’t have to be dinner. Think pastries at sunrise, simple snacks at the beach, or even takeout from your favorite place eaten on a blanket at the park.)
- On individual slips of paper, write down different things you love and appreciate about your spouse. Put them in a box or creative container so they can be pulled out and read whenever they need a pick-me-up. (Consider writing 30 of them for a month of love, or 52 of them for a weekly boost, or go crazy and write 365 of them!)
- Make all the arrangements to go somewhere or do something you know they really enjoy but isn’t necessarily your favorite. Make sure you’re pleasant and enthusiastic the entire time so they don’t have to worry about whether you are having a good time.
- Make a simple scavenger hunt around the house and yard, ending with a small gift, a meal or dessert, a bubble bath, or something else you know your spouse will appreciate.
- Ask your partner’s friends, family, and maybe even co-workers to write short notes of appreciation, admiration, or fond memories and present them creatively. If you’re digitally inclined, get videos instead.
- Draw or paint each other's portraits. Don’t take it too seriously. Have fun with it! Not in the mood to be artistic? Write each other love letters or romantic poems and read them out loud.
- Make a visit somewhere that brings back good memories and reminisce—maybe where you had your first date, where you got engaged, where you first realized you were in love, or where you had a lot of fun together.
- Pull out the photo albums and take a walk down memory lane looking at pictures from your relationship. You might even go further back to look at photos from before you met. Tell each other some stories you haven’t shared before.
- Put together a time capsule. Prepare ahead of time by getting a container but then work together to decide what to put in it, where to put it, and when you’ll open it again.
- Write a couple’s bucket list. Take the extra step of scheduling and committing to crossing off at least one item on the list.
- Make out in the backseat of the car like teenagers!
- Make their favorite meal or dessert. (Bonus: Ask the kids ahead of time to do the dishes afterward or let the dishes sit until tomorrow if you want.)
- Pray together. Ask God to strengthen your relationship and your love for each other. Ask for a united spirit of mutual respect even during the challenging times.
This is just a short list to get you started. The important thing when it comes to expressing your love is that it be sincere, heartfelt, and selfless. The amount of thought you put into a gift is far more important than the amount of money you put into it.
A special note: Every holiday can feel more bitter than sweet when you’re separated, divorced, or going through a rough patch in your marriage. At this point in the year, you’ve finally gotten some distance from the intensity of Thanksgiving and Christmas, and then along comes Valentine’s Day, often bringing with it difficult memories and emotions. Remember that this is just one day, and it will pass—as will the feelings that can make the day hard. Write in a journal, talk to friends, and stay busy. Don’t dwell on the negative. You might want to stay off social media for a day or two also until all the lovey-dovey posts from friends subside.
I know from experience close to my own heart that Valentine's Day can be very difficult for those who are recently separated or have other painful memories about being forgotten by their spouse on that day. One of my daughters was scheduled to be married on Valentine's Day many years ago and the wedding was called off several weeks prior. Every year when that day rolls around, there are thoughts and conversations about how everything changed. She remains in faith for the right person and right time, recognizing that something better is ahead in God's perfect timing. I respect her for choosing to be content in the season of life she is in and for all the love and caring she shows to others in the meantime.
One more tip for parents: If you have children, I’d like to encourage you to help them put together a Valentine’s Day card or gift for their other parent. While it might be painful for you to help them do so, it can also be very therapeutic as you step outside your own feelings of loss, hurt, or anger and instead think about things through your children’s eyes. It is so valuable for them to see your caring heart toward their other parent. It’s critical for their development and emotional wellbeing to sense peace between the two of you. As you support your child in expressing love and deepening their relationship with that parent, you’re giving them a wonderful gift—and at the same time, you’re giving yourself a gift as well.
Explore your no-court divorce options and the prenuptial process in Santa Rosa and Sonoma County and schedule a confidential consultation with divorce lawyer Jeanne Browne. With more than 30 years of experience helping couples divorce without court through mediation and collaborative practice, she will give you compassionate legal advice on your issues related to family law, divorce, and prenuptial/postnuptial agreements. Click here to schedule a meeting.
Please Note: Articles posted on this website are for general information purposes only and are not to be considered legal advice. Every situation is unique and we recommend you reach out for a private conversation about your specific circumstances and concerns by booking a consultation.
12 Healthy Communication Tips to Guard Against Divorce and Build a Long-lasting Marriage
Marriage can be simultaneously the most rewarding and most challenging experience of your life. As elating as the highs are, that’s how devastating the lows are. For more highs and fewer lows, a healthy and lasting marriage requires consistent effort and commitment, and to get through the many trials a couple will inevitably encounter, healthy communication is a must.
It’s been said that communication in marriage is like oxygen in life—without it, the result is death. If one or both people shut down, that will lead to trouble. Couples have to talk to each other!
But it’s not enough just that you talk to each other. How you talk to each other is just as important, and maybe even more so.
Unhealthy and damaging communication patterns can poison a relationship, erode individual self-esteem, create fear and anxiety, and cause a couple to resent each other. Ultimately, they can lead to divorce. Beyond that, the tension and arguments that are often hallmarks of bad communication in a marriage can be extremely harmful to the children who are exposed to it.
In one recent study, communication problems were cited as the most common contributing factor to divorce with the inability to resolve conflict coming in as a close second. No one gets married with the plan of divorcing a few years down the road because they fight too much. The earlier a couple learns to communicate in healthy ways, the better.
Disagreements Are Unavoidable, But They Don’t Need Spiral Into Arguments
Conflict in a marriage is inevitable. No two people will ever agree completely on every topic. Tough conversations will have to be had around many issues in a marriage: money, childcare, division of responsibilities, intimacy, extended family, how to spend free time, just for starters. Even small, everyday decisions like what to have for dinner, what program to watch on TV, who will deal with a child having a meltdown, who will be available for the repairman, and so on can turn into big arguments if you and your partner don’t have good communication habits.
But disagreements don’t have to turn into fights, and you both should work hard to keep tempers calm if you want your marriage to succeed—and if you want to model healthy communication for your kids. Believe it or not, it is possible to create healthy communication norms even if you’ve already developed some bad habits. Countless studies show a direct correlation between poor communication and marital distress that leads to divorce. A good couples counselor can be very helpful in working with you to break destructive patterns and start new productive ones so you don’t head down the road to a split.
If you and your spouse aren’t ready or interested in getting professional help with learning better communication skills, perhaps you can start with this quick list of tips for talking to each other more effectively.
Keep Daily Communication Lines Open and Flowing
Engage in meaningful and positive exchanges as often as possible and avoid misunderstandings by implementing some of these ideas:
- Set time aside every day to connect and share with each other what you did, what went well, what you’re worried about, and what’s coming up in the next day or week.
- Have an agreed-upon system for sharing important information like appointments and upcoming events to avoid last-minute scheduling conflicts and frustration (especially important when you have busy kiddos!).
- Talk TO each other about things that are bothering you rather than talking ABOUT each other to friends or family members.
- When your partner says something that insults you or hurts your feelings, assume benign intent, resist the impulse to be offended, and address it right away—don't let it fester.
- Express to your spouse how you want to be spoken to, and ask them how they would like to be spoken to (this may seem like an unnecessary step, but it’s actually quite important).
Don’t let busy schedules and the stresses of life keep you from connecting with your partner daily about the little things. Healthy communication isn’t just about how you talk through a conflict—it's about inside jokes, paying each other compliments, flirting, and sharing stories from your day.
12 Communication Tips for Avoiding and Diffusing Conflict
When you find yourself getting into a tense conversation, be aware that your “fight or flight” instinct will be triggered, so be mindful of what you say and how you say it:
- DO stay calm, speak at a moderate volume level, and be aware of the pitch and tone of your voice.
- DO listen and allow your spouse time to complete their thoughts without interrupting.
- DO pause and reflect on what you’ve heard before speaking.
- DO ask for clarification when needed about what you heard your partner express, then rephrase it and say it back to them to check for understanding.
- DO be aware of your facial expressions while speaking and listening (much of our communication is non-verbal).
- DO aim for understanding and resolution instead of winning or being right.
- DO stay focused on the current topic without bringing up old issues.
- DO express your own feelings and experiences without making accusations, name-calling, or hitting below the belt.
- DO strive for a win-win outcome or compromise that allows both of you to feel good.
- DO discuss issues in a private setting where your children do not have to hear about adult problems.
- DO be willing to table the conversation if things get heated or if you need time to think and reflect before coming back to the discussion, and before returning to the conversation, consider writing down your feelings and what result you are requesting.
- DO remember that you love each other and that this is an opportunity to strengthen your relationship through cooperation, compassion, and empathy.
Practice speaking kindly and mindfully, with love and compassion for your spouse, even when you’re infuriated! Marriage has lots of ups and downs. Trust that the negative feelings will likely subside—so don’t throw fuel on the angry fire in the meantime.
What If It’s Too Late and Divorce Is Already on the Horizon?
Predictably, the bad communication patterns that may have ended a marriage are the same ones a couple brings with them into the divorce process. This is a time of much uncertainty, stress, fear, disappointment, or anger, and usually more than one of these.
If you have children, it’s particularly important that you be able to put your hurt and hostility aside and work together with your spouse to do what’s best for them physically, emotionally, and financially. Even if you’ve never had healthy and effective communication throughout your entire marriage, for the good of your kids (and for your own good as well), my advice is that you practice being a good listener and a calm speaker.
So how can you and your soon-to-be ex-spouse work through a divorce with good communication if you’ve never had good communication before?
My recommendation is that you seriously consider a no-court divorce process, namely either mediation or a collaborative divorce. In a recent blog post, I talked about the 10 best communication methods we use during mediation or a collaborative divorce, and these are methods you can also use while still in your marriage. I recommend you visit that post to learn more techniques for talking through difficult issues.
When I work with you as a mediator or as part of your collaborative divorce team, I bring with me decades of expertise in facilitating productive and cooperative conversation during a stressful and emotional time. My goal is for you and your partner to reach positive resolutions quickly and peacefully, for the good of both of you and your children.
---Announcing an Online Opportunity to Learn More---
If you’d like to learn more about collaborative divorce and get to know me better with zero pressure, please join me for a FREE, ONLINE DIVORCE OPTIONS WORKSHOP – SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 4.
I will be presenting with financial and mental health experts from Collaborative Practice North Bay. As a community of divorce professionals, we assist families in getting divorced through a supportive, cooperative, collaborative process. In our online workshops, we provide valuable information about the divorce process, including no-court options like mediation and collaborative divorce.
THIS FREE, INFORMATIVE DIVORCE OPTIONS WORKSHOP TAKES PLACE ONLINE VIA ZOOM ON SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 4 FROM 9:00AM TO 12:00PM.
YOU MUST PRE-REGISTER SO CLICK HERE NOW TO SAVE YOUR SPOT.
Explore your no-court divorce options and the prenuptial process in Santa Rosa and Sonoma County and schedule a confidential consultation with divorce lawyer Jeanne Browne. With more than 30 years of experience helping couples divorce without court through mediation and collaborative practice, she will give you compassionate legal advice on your issues related to family law, divorce, and prenuptial/postnuptial agreements. Click here to schedule a meeting.
Please Note: Articles posted on this website are for general information purposes only and are not to be considered legal advice. Every situation is unique and we recommend you reach out for a private conversation about your specific circumstances and concerns by booking a consultation.
How to Make the Most of the Holiday Season After a Divorce
In the ideal world, this is a happy time of year, full of family, friends, food, fun, and festivities! But for those who have gone through a divorce, this season can be painful, especially if you have children. The first few Christmases after a divorce are often particularly difficult as you adjust to a new normal and mourn the loss of family gatherings and traditions that used to bring you joy.
But even though you might be dealing with feelings of loneliness, sadness, and even fear, try to remember that this can be a season of new beginnings and the road to future happiness.
Here are 10 tips and ideas to help you make the absolute best of the holiday season—for you, and for your kids.
1. Feel your feelings, but don’t completely surrender to them.
You’re going to feel a range of emotions, and it’s okay to feel all of them. Realize feelings will come in waves. Acknowledge that it’s normal to experience grief, resentment, stress, and countless other emotions. Don’t let them rule you though or you’ll miss out on all the good stuff. (There is still good stuff!)
2. Talk to your kids honestly...and really listen to them.
Plastering on a fake smile and pretending everything is perfect isn’t going to fool anyone, especially your children. If you’re feeling sad about the changes to life and the holidays rhythm, imagine how much more difficult and confusing it is for kids who had no say in whether their parents stayed together. Children of every age need help adjusting after divorce. Assure them that feelings of anger, sadness, and confusion are normal. Let them talk. Don’t judge. Ask them how they feel. Ask them for suggestions about what would make the holidays the most enjoyable. Listen and truly consider their point of view.
3. Assess which traditions to hold onto and make adjustments.
Some of your family traditions may be very important to you, perhaps because they’re rooted in your religious beliefs or because you’ve brought them from your childhood into adulthood and the family you created with your spouse. Somet traditions, however, may be more like habits and not particularly meaningful to you. It’s okay to make changes to your current traditions or even let some of them go completely to make room for new ones that make more sense for your new situation and family structure. Honor the traditions your children have with their other parent, even if you are no longer involved in them.
4. Don’t be afraid to make new traditions.
While it’s hard to let go of old traditions, this is actually a wonderful time to make new ones. Whether you’re on your own or you have children, think about new ways to make new memories that aren’t burdened with the echo of Christmases past when you were still married. What about passing out cookies to less fortunate people? Or bringing a care package to a struggling neighbor as a secret “caper” together? You may find you like some of your new traditions even better than the old ones! What are some things you’ve heard some people enjoy that you might like to try? This is the year to experiment with new options!
5. Accept invitations.
Resist the urge to isolate. You may not be in a celebratory mood, but say YES to invitations as often as you can so you can be in the company of people who love and support you. Even going out with people just for fun is a great way to shake off a funk! It might be awkward to attend someone else’s family functions, especially for Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, but you just might have a great time. And when you let someone do something nice for you, like invite you into their home for Christmas dinner, you allow them to experience the joy of giving. Accept graciously...and enjoy!
6. Reach out to others who might be feeling lonely.
Not sure who to spend Christmas with? Think about who you know who may also be feeling alone. You likely have friends who are single, divorced or widowed, who are estranged from their families, who have lost parents to illness, or who are new to the area. Invite them over and to share a favorite holiday meal or dessert or to do something festive like view holiday lights or go to a play or concert.
7. Put differences aside for a whole-family event if possible.
This may seem impossible, but have you talked to your ex-spouse about doing something together with the kids so they can experience having the whole family together, if only for a little while? Perhaps you can take one short outing or participate in one tradition that has been particularly fun or meaningful for all of you. Some families are successful in doing this, and if you can do it too, it’s worth the extra effort. Your children will thank you later. If possible, put hurt feelings away for a couple of hours and show your children that in spite of the divorce, you’re still family in the most important sense of the word.
8. Take time to treat yourself.
Counter the tough feelings by doing things that lift your spirits, especially if you’re spending the holidays alone. Get a massage, listen to your favorite music, take yourself to see the kind of movie your spouse didn’t enjoy, rearrange the furniture for a fresh look, buy yourself something you really want, have a meal you’ve been craving...be kind to yourself.
9. Exercise and eat mindfully.
Move your body. Take a walk. Go to the gym. Eat healthy food. Don’t completely overindulge with fattening meals and desserts and alcohol. Both alcohol as well as fatty and sugary foods have been shown to promote depression and anxiety after the initial high of consuming them has worn off. Exercise promotes endorphins and makes you feel good. So treat yourself a little, but remember that exercising and fueling your body with nutritious food are absolutely essential for maintaining good mental and emotional health, so make it a priority.
10. Remind yourself of the true reason for the season.
For all of us, Christmas is a time of giving generously and receiving graciously, and whether you are married or divorced, you can still experience all the season offers. If you are a believer, then Christmas has an even deeper meaning, and this is a time to celebrate and be grateful for the birth of our Savior. Whatever is happening or has happened with your marriage and your family, trust that today’s painful feelings will pass and that you will be okay as you trust God, the only one who truly understands all of you, and every part of your situation. Don’t let your current circumstances stop your celebration and acknowledgement of your Heavenly Father who loves you, and all the joy that comes with keeping your heart open.
A Compassionate Divorce Process Is a Good Starting Point
If you are preparing to go through the divorce process, I’d like to encourage you to consider mediation or a collaborative divorce. With both of these options, you and your partner have support in communicating and compromising as you come to resolutions about all the difficult issues that come with ending a marriage. Both processes allow you to work together to make decisions about what will be best for your children. In addition, a full collaborative divorce team even includes a person who speaks on behalf of the children, giving them a real voice. When you choose one of these no-court divorce processes, you and your partner will benefit from facilitated communication that often helps couples move past the bitterness sooner—sometimes enabling them to have holidays together, or at least leaving them to feel good about the arrangements they both agreed to about how to split time during these precious occasions.
Explore your no-court divorce options and the prenuptial process in Santa Rosa and Sonoma County and schedule a confidential consultation with divorce lawyer Jeanne Browne. With more than 30 years of experience helping couples divorce without court through mediation and collaborative practice, she will give you compassionate legal advice on your issues related to family law, divorce, and prenuptial/postnuptial agreements. Click here to schedule a meeting.
Please Note: Articles posted on this website are for general information purposes only and are not to be considered legal advice. Every situation is unique and we recommend you reach out for a private conversation about your specific circumstances and concerns by booking a consultation.