How Bill and Melinda Gates Can Make Their Divorce Easier On Their Children
"Bill and Melinda Gates - NPG Washington DC" by FaceMePLS is licensed under CC BY 2.0
It was sad for me to hear the news of Melinda and Bill Gates deciding to separate after 27 years of marriage. I have seen the increase myself of what is being called the "Gray Divorce" or in the Gateses' situation, perhaps the "Silver Divorce." Confusing sometimes, isn't it? They seemed to have it together.
Unlike many divorcing couples, the Gates probably were not fighting over who forgot to log in the ATM withdrawal without telling the other. I mean with a net worth of roughly $130 billion, it doesn't appear there were money woes. While there have been rumors of infidelity, their public outcry was for us to honor their "space and privacy" at this time. I really hope we do--for them, and especially for the sake of their children. There's likely to be a lot of grieving going on, not just with them, but with their entire family.
It is mystifying watching couples separate when they seem to have a really great marriage. After all, Bill and Melinda regularly travelled and laughed together, and shared mutual interests. They taught their children about world hunger, health risks, and poverty and then formed a successful charitable organization to put actions to their words and caring motives.
After viewing a few snapshots of the Gateses' children on vacations and meetings with world leaders with their parents over the years, I couldn't help but want to reach out and ask them about their feelings about all of this.
Divorce Affects Children at Every Age
Their oldest, Jennifer, age 25, is in medical school, and seems to be close to getting married herself. I wonder if she worries about getting married or how best to make it a lasting commitment. Or maybe she wonders about how life will be different for her younger brother Rory, who's 21. Perhaps she is more concerned about how her younger sister Phoebe is handling this shocking news, since she is barely 18 and has just endured a COVID high school experience.
One thing is for sure: these young adults are greatly affected by their parents’ decision to divorce and likely have no power to change it. Research has shown that no matter the age of children when their parents decide to divorce, they all wish their parents would have talked more with them about it and allowed their voice to be considered, or at least heard and acknowledged.
Collaborative Divorce Keeps Families Out of Court and Supports Privacy
I hope Bill and Melinda decide to use a confidential no-court option such as a collaborative divorce process, as it would honor their need for privacy while still equitably resolving their differences with skilled legal representation. They can have a team of trained professionals to address the financial, legal, and emotional aspects of their decision, and even allow their children to have a voice to bring understanding to their needs, even as adults.
Children Have a Stronger Voice with a Collaborative Divorce or Mediation
What type of divorce process allows adult children to have a voice? Certainly not the traditional litigation model. While there are mixed views about having minor children of divorce speak to a judge about their preferences, more courts have been willing listen to their input and give some weight to their opinion if the child I considered to be a "well-reasoned minor." (This is obviously somewhat of a vague term, but generally it means the court recognizes the young person as having a good head on their shoulders.) No courts interview adult children because when there are no minors involved, there is no custody dispute--the kids are no longer kids.
In California, even a minor child's preference or choice regarding living arrangement does not control the judge's decision, so outcomes vary. It is more common for children's views to be seriously considered in voluntary "out of court" processes such as mediation or collaborative law where couples can mutually agree to involve a trained mental health professional called a "child specialist." This specialist can interview not only the children, but also other adults involved in the lives of the children such as therapists, teachers, sports coaches, and tutors.
Even Adult Children Need Time to Heal
Perhaps Bill and Melinda waited until Phoebe turned 18 for a reason. Maybe they saw the benefit of a divorce with no custody battle, and figured Phoebe would be off to college and largely unaffected by their split. But the pain still runs deep for children whose parents divorce, even when the child is technically an adult. It is important to address divorce as a painful disruption to the entire family dynamic, and each member of the family—regardless of age—will need to go through a personal healing process.
No Prenuptial Agreement?
As a side note, I was a bit surprised by the news reports that they had not entered into a prenuptial agreement. However, since neither Bill nor Melinda had any children before they married, perhaps they felt they didn't need documented protection—at the time of the wedding, there was no fear that their biological children would not receive an inheritance. Even so, the absence of a prenuptial agreement opens them up to more stressful conflicts over finances and assets, but I’m hopeful that will not be the case for them.
Good Communication and Respect Will Help Them and Their Children
Overall, I wish the Gates family only the best. My hope is that as parents they model good communication and respect for one another throughout this divorce process, and continue to teach Jennifer, Rory, and Phoebe about how to use their talents, skills, education, and finances to serve others. May they continue working together, as a family, so that the needs of those experiencing disease and poverty in our world will be met by their joint efforts.
Despite the bumps in the road ahead that will inevitably come as the result of a marriage coming to an end, may they all find the right path for their future.
There are many lessons to learn from the story of this high-profile divorce. Read my follow-up post, 8 Lessons We Can Learn From the “Gray Divorce” of Bill and Melinda Gates.
Learn more about out-of-court options for divorce including collaborative practice and mediation services.
How to Know if You are Hiring a “Real” Collaborative Attorney?
These are the questions to ask the attorney you are interviewing:
1. “What percentage of your practice involves Collaborative Divorce cases?”
It is important to hire an attorney who is very skilled in collaborative process conflict resolution, and has a number of ongoing collaborative clients. Merely having a web site reference that he or she practices “collaborative law” is not enough. I’ve seen this in other local family law web sites, and yet that particular family law attorney is almost always in court, and is not a member of a collaborative practice group. Even if they were previously trained, they may or may not be taking formal Collaborative cases any more.
2. “How often do you participate in Collaborative Training?”
All collaborative divorce attorneys require specific training in the negotiation skills for this process. Find out if that attorney is a member of the International Academy of Collaborative Professional (IACP) group, or CPCal, the state organization that provides annual trainings for attorneys, coaches, and neutral financial specialists.
All collaborative attorneys have also undergone significant mediation training and are trained mediators. Not all mediators can be collaborative counsel. Special collaborative training is required. While the process is amicable, the ultimate result still depends on the legal, emotional and financial implications of each desired outcome. Your collaborative attorney is there to help you consider all possible options before reaching agreement.
3. “Do you Have Satisfied Clients who have Used the Collaborative Process?
The answer should be ‘Yes!” While giving out names of specific clients is not permitted, client testimonials posted via social media sites can be a good way to see if that attorney has accomplished successful results in the past.
4. “What are the Benefits and Risks of Using the Collaborative Divorce process?”
Most attorneys, coaches and financial divorce professionals will correctly identify that the primary benefit of this process is having control over the decisions being made over their family, finances, and division of property. Another benefit is control over the scheduling, thus not being bound to the court’s availability and backlog of court calendars.
There is the risk of not getting everything you want and possibly having to resort to litigation later where you turn over decision-making to a judge (basically a stranger to your family and situation.) In my experience, a well-functioning Collaborative Team digs deeper into helping the couple create acceptable compromises and the risk of later litigation is substantially reduced.
(This is Part 1. More questions to be answered in Part 2.)
Please call me or email me for a consultation. Or check out our collaborative group web site: CollaborativeDivorceMarinSonoma.org for more information. )
I’m in the middle of a divorce – How can I find the right Realtor?
Divorce is a painful chapter if you have to sell your cherished home, even if you are using mediation or a collaborative process. Find a Realtor who understands this process and has compassion to help you have peace of mind. Here are three major considerations:
1) Experience/Knowledge is Key:
* Does the person have his/her pulse on current Market Conditions?
What is happening now after the Sonoma County Wildfires of October 2017? With so much heartache in our community, especially Santa Rosa’s Fountaingrove and Coffey Park area, what will be like for you if you are looking for a new home? What if you have lost your home and you decide to sell your cleared lot instead of rebuilding? What is an appropriate listing price for your home that survived the fire but is near the devastated area? Will my agent schedule a open house, or home tour with other agents? How will all the paperwork be handled? These are questions to ask.
It is a distinctive PLUS when a Real Estate Agent also has experience in the mortgage industry because you may want information about how to buy out your spouse’s community property interest and keep your home.
* Questions to address: What is our equity interest? Do I have a timely payment history? Will my income be sufficient to take over the loan or refinance the current mortgages? Are their any other liens against the property and how can I resolve them? What is my work and credit history and how do they effect my ability to accomplish a buy-out?
2) Trust is Important.
* Does the Realtor focus on his/her own Commission… or on a Commitment to you?
Take time to meet with your prospective Realtor before deciding to list with him or her. You need a Realtor who cares about your bottom line needs and goals more than his/her own. Ask a lot of questions, and be cautious about the “know-it-all” types. No one Realtor KNOWS all the answers, and if you meet with one who admits they do not, but they are willing to help you find expert advice and resources on that issue, that is a very good sign! Trust is earned.
* Questions to ask:
How long have they been in the business? Do you primarily work Sonoma County? Will you be honest with me during negotiations, such as whether the roof damage credit is reasonable or not? How quickly do you return calls?
If you are buying a replacement home after your divorce, choose a Realtor who is willing to review local Sonoma County school districts and neighborhood’s public records where the home is located. Whether you are looking in Santa Rosa, Rohnert Park, Sonoma, Sebastopol, or even Windsor, each location has its own benefits and drawbacks when finding a new home, especially if you have children and their schools and after-school care locations are effected.
2) Trust is Important.
* Does the Realtor focus on his/her own Commission… or on a Commitment to you?
Take time to meet with your prospective Realtor before deciding to list with him or her. You need a Realtor who cares about your bottom line needs and goals more than his/her own. Ask a lot of questions, and be cautious about the “know-it-all” types. No one Realtor KNOWS all the answers, and if you meet with one who admits they do not, but they are willing to help you find expert advice and resources on that issue, that is a very good sign! Trust is earned.
* Questions to ask:
How long have they been in the business? Do you primarily work Sonoma County? Will you be honest with me during negotiations, such as whether the roof damage credit is reasonable or not? How quickly do you return calls?
If you are buying a replacement home after your divorce, choose a Realtor who is willing to review local Sonoma County school districts and neighborhood’s public records where the home is located. Whether you are looking in Santa Rosa, Rohnert Park, Sonoma, Sebastopol, or even Windsor, each location has its own benefits and drawbacks when finding a new home, especially if you have children and their schools and after-school care locations are effected.
3) Cooperative, Not Cut-Throat!
* Is your Realtor Willing to Go the Extra Mile for You?
If you are a seller, you will want a Realtor to give you advice about how best to prepare your home to impress a prospective buyer. Some Realtors hire professional staging companies to give the best impression to receive the best price. Many agents I know have done extra to extended extra care. One helped advertise and attended her seller’s garage sale, yet another helped coordinate the last-minute moving of a refrigerator! Another guy fixed a front lawn sprinkler system for an elderly lady. Certainly these are not the Realtor’s job, but occasionally when we see human kindness in action, that is amazing and noteworthy.
Good Realtors usually have a list of trusted and qualified professionals such as painters, contractors, cleaning services, plumbers, electricians, pool service companies, and landscaping experts. You can trust the ones who have shown up and got the job done before, as their reputation is at stake!
I have worked with a number of different professional Realtors and can give you a referral any time. You will get through this, and you certainly don’t want to do it alone! For more information contact me today.
How Can I Be Happy and Secure if My Spouse Wants a Divorce?
You were blind-sided, you had no clue, and you don’t understand how this could have happened to you. Your wife just told you she hasn’t loved you for years and she wants a divorce. She wanted counseling years ago, but you didn’t want some shrink telling you how to run your life. How could she? She knows you’re a good provider, working overtime to keep the bills paid, the house repaired, and hey, you even took the whole family to DisneyWorld last year. What’s not to love? You think some roses may change her mind, but she already moved out with the kids.
Maybe instead you are a devoted wife who noticed your husband’s cell phone bill had a repeated unfamiliar number, logged while he was working late. You swallow hard as you call the number, hoping you are overreacting. A woman’s voice answers. Your husband’s explanation confirms your worst fear: “She’s my high school sweetheart that I never stopped loving — she’s my true soul mate.” He found her on Facebook, or was it his Match.com profile? Your heart thuds, you go numb inside, unable to think straight for months.
While these stories are changed to protect the innocent (or the guilty) they reveal incidents that change our lives, and threaten our security and happiness. Your situation might involve less trauma because your children are grown and there is a mutual decision to separate. You may still be asking “Where do I go from here?” As a family law attorney in Santa Rosa for over 25 years, my goal is to help separating or divorcing couples navigate through painful situations such as the above. My goal is to make a positive difference for clients and their children who are surrounded by swirling emotional tides beneath their ocean of legal issues. The undertow of the breakup tries to snatch away their trust, and waves of doubt crash over their rock of security, so they need a safe harbor to repair their human vessel and make it seaworthy again.
If you are ready to start rowing your boat ashore toward a protected cove, I’m ready to grab an oar to help. Simply call to schedule an appointment and we will discuss how best to secure your future. I’ll also give you a copy of our newly released book, while supplies last! “Happy and Secure in Sonoma County”
5 Principles: Encouragement
Divorce is not a simple process and you are probably facing uncertainty.
Here are some common questions that divorcing clients often ask me:
- Will a judge make all the decisions or can my spouse and I agree on our own?
- How can we get through this separation or divorce without financial and emotional ruin?
- How can we best protect our children in this difficult time?
To help answer these questions, allow me to share five important principles and an easy way to remember them.
1) Encouragement
2) Direction
3) Responsibility
4) Commitment
5) Strength
Remembering these five principles is as simple as referencing the five fingers on your hand. Let’s start with your thumb.
- Encouragement – Thumb:
First, give yourself a “thumbs up” as a reminder that you can get through this and not give up. If you were my client I would encourage you to surround yourself with positive emotional support. Realistically, I usually compare the divorce process with a roller coaster — the “Big D Dipper” with unexpected velocity, extreme highs and lows, and plenty of screaming!
You need reassurance from your friends and family to avoid depression or self-medicating behaviors. “Encourage one another and build each other up” is a Biblical reference I use as a reminder. If you don’t have anyone who fits this role, join a divorce support group. You also may need a trained therapist with divorce expertise. Think of him or her as your emotional “safety harness” to keep you from revenge or subversive tactics (like slashing tires or sending that nasty text you will later regret)! You need to learn how to “keep your hands and arms inside” until this shaky ride comes to a complete stop.
Do you love roller coasters so much that you rush to get back in line for another thrill variation? Maybe your response is the same as some of my clients: “Are you kidding? I’m never getting married again!” I tell them that while I appreciate their referrals, I really don’t hope for their “repeat business” (unless they need a prenuptial agreement, of course)! I encourage them to get more information before choosing to repeat their negative experience.
A Look at Conflict — To Camp or Not to Camp, is that Really the Question?
A Look at Conflict — To Camp or Not to Camp, is that Really the Question?
by Jeanne M. Browne, Collaborative Attorney & Mediator
If we want to resolve our conflicts, then we have to look deeper at the underlying “need” for our desired result.
For example, I tell my husband that I want to schedule a camping trip. It’s a favorite pasttime from my childhood and we have great memories of camping together when our kids were small. I love taking in the nature hikes along the river that give me the sense of relaxation. That’s probably my favorite part, that I desire that type of relaxation. Even though setting up camp and sleeping outdoors may not be as kind to my body as times in the past, it’s still fun to do with my family.
If my hubby is not ready for the entire “project” that camping involves, he could start in on the reasons that my idea is a bad one, such as pointing out the hassle of packing, getting reservations, and the high cost of gas for our truck. I’m now thinking, “Wow, my great idea has just been shot in the shoulder.” This leads to the thought of “I’m injured, and he doesn’t care.” Then I say to myself, “This is important to me, why can’t he understand that?”
He’s learned some conflict resolution skills over the years. He started out by listening to my ideas about places I might want to camp, and when would be a good time to schedule it. He then responds instead with “Let’s think about when we can do that. We do have some wonderful camping memories together. What do you like best about it?”
When I mention the hiking part, he could “remember along with me” about how much we enjoy doing that together. Then he might suggest a day hike next weekend in the area where we live. I recognize my “relaxation need” for the outdoors and hiking met by that activity, and may reconsider my need to do the entire “camping” experience right now. I might even respond with “Wow, that sounds great, let’s make a date to do that!” If we are smart, we will write it in on the calendar.
Rather than starting an argument about the pros and cons of camping, we directed our conversation instead toward “What’s special about that for you?” and looked for ways that we had mutual thoughts or needs about the subject.
Try this the next time you face a conflict:
1) Really listen to what the person is saying.
2) Confirm that you heard what they said until they say, “Yes, that’s what I’m trying to say.”
3) Then say, “This sounds really important to you, tell me more about that.”
4) Listen again, and confirm that you heard what that person is needing.
Let me know how that works for you. It has worked for me!
Got to go now, as I’m heading out for a hike with my husband. Ahhh….time to relax!
Forgiveness vs. Trust
Forgiveness vs. Trust with Jeanne Browne
Sonoma County Divorce Lawyer specializing in collaborative mediation.
My last two blog entries addressed “HOW can I forgive my ex?” “And WHY should I forgive my ex? Now we address, “Do I have to trust him/her again?”
What if my ex continues to yell at me in front of the children?
Example: Let’s say you are exchanging the children at Starbucks and your ex is mad you are late, so while grabbing your shoulders he/she screams in your face and pushes you against your car door. This is not healthy behavior! IT IS IMPORTANT to remember that “trusting” him/her again is not the same as forgiveness. Trust must be earned.
A person must show through action that he/she is trustworthy before you trust again.
How do you set appropriate limits to prevent future harm?
Here’s a strategy:
State Your Expectations/Limits. Example: “Les, I am noticing that you are starting to raise your voice in front of the kids, and that is unacceptable to me. I will only listen to your opinion if you speak in a calm voice, without accusations.” “If you do not lower your voice, and agree to have this conversation away from our children, I will leave right now.”
Then you MUST follow through!
ONCE YOU DO, you send a clear message that you are going to do things differently in the future and your word can be trusted.
Only when your clear stated expectations are routinely followed by your ex, should you be willing to trust having ANY conversation in front of the children. If you honor this boundary and walk away, or not get out of the car to allow a conversation to occur at a custody exchange, then eventually your ex will figure out that you are not going to engage. (A friend’s strategy was to sip her iced mocha and keep her teeth clenched on her straw to resist her temptation to utter even one syllable!)
Do whatever you can to move forward with good boundaries for yourself and your children. Building trust again is possible if your limits are honored. If they are not, then protect yourself.
* Ask: Has this person proven himself/herself trustworthy? This guides wise decision-making.
The “HOW” of Forgiveness
The “HOW” of Forgiveness with Jeanne Browne
Sonoma County Divorce Lawyer
Not all spouses will be able to forgive their ex for what happened during the marriage or divorce. But we need to know that “forgiveness” is always an “option on the menu.” Last time I wrote about “WHY” to forgive. Now let’s tackle the “HOW.”
Let’s remember what forgiveness is NOT. It is NOT condoning the wrong, it is NOT minimizing the hurt, and it is NOT the same as reconciliation. It is NOT an admission that the damage done was “OK” in any way. And it is NOT permission to do it again, NOR does it dispose of future accountability for the wrongdoer. It is NOT sweeping conflict under the rug.
As to the “HOW” to forgive, there are physical ways to put the emotional hurt behind you, remember YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF THE “HOW.” Create the “HOW” in a way that matches your unique personality! Maybe write down the offense (or draw a picture) and then burn it up (or bury it with flower bulbs) while speaking out loud the hurt you refuse to continue to carry forward. Others meditate and tell each part of their body (hands, arms, feet, shoulders) to release this pain completely.
A few people I know have another symbolic method. They cut many small slips of paper and separately write each wrong done to them; then they physically nail it to a wooden cross to remind them of how God forgave them and they can no longer bear the weight of the anger and hostility that they know is poisoning them inside.
Others have gone to the ocean. They write all their hurts and pain on a rock with a marker, and then catapult it into the depths of the sea, proclaiming that it will no longer weigh them down. Many choose to
write down at least 20 positive results that could eventually come out of this terrible divorce (like finding a new fulfilling career or learning to manage finances) and either they make a poster or list them in a journal.
We all can look back from a time of pain and find some unusual but wonderful benefit that arose from the grief. It does take having bigger perspective in mind, so keep that focus.
Whatever way you chose, I encourage you to find a way, and do it. Claim your HOPE for the future.
Together, let’s ponder the following statement:
Every Conflict Teaches Us What We Most Need to Learn.
Recall your current conflict and ask yourself: What is it here to teach me today?
Divorce and Forgiveness
Divorce and Forgiveness with Jeanne Browne
Sonoma County Divorce Lawyer
Questions to Ponder during your Divorce:
1. How can I ever forgive my ex for what he did to me?
2. Why would I even want to forgive him?
3. If I do forgive him, do I have to trust him again?
Divorce brings different levels of anxiety, whether you simply agreed to “go your separate ways,” or it’s a knock-down, drag-out fight over everything from the teddy-bear cookie jar to who gets the kids for 4th of July this year. Maybe your ex cheated on you, hid it, and now pretends as if it is fine to introduce your son to the new relationship just three months later. Hurt. Runs. Deep.
Have you found it difficult to impossible to share joint custody with a self-centered co-parent? Are you so injured deep inside that forgiveness seems virtually impossible? You are not alone! Let’s talk about the “WHY” before we get to question #2.
Recently, a collaborative speaker gave us divorce attorneys some insight and medical facts. Grudges, anger, and resentment cause physical harm to our bodies –sometimes even heart attacks. She said when we harbor hate, thoughts of revenge, and a spirit of hostility, this is downright unhealthy for our bodies, mind and spirit!
Here we are taking all kinds of vitamins and special herbs advertised on Facebook or You-Tube to make us “healthier,” “stronger,” or give us” more energy,” yet we arrive to the custody exchange with our handy load of revenge boulders in our designer purses or cargo pants! (Not just you, I’m right there with you – guilty as charged! I have harbored toxic thoughts at court about opposing counsel and his client, and yet that morning I took lots of “healthy” amino acid supplements! (Yeah, that worked… not.)
The emotional piece of divorce is HUGE. We have to remember how POWERFUL we BECOME when we “step up to the plate” and avoid playing the blame game. Best to stop telling ourselves we are victims without a way out. We asked the judge to make a ruling, but hate him the result. Forgive the judge – isn’t that the job we asked him to do? We, ourselves, placed the outcome in his control. Let’s take our control back and find paths to peace with others.
I want shed some hostility today. How about you? Let’s unload these rocks together, OK?